A Month? Have I Lost My Mind?

hey folks, sorry for the posting blackout. i can’t believe it was a month. anyway i was trapped under a car so it wasn’t my fault. while i was trapped under that car (which i wasn’t), however, i had me a lot of time to think (also not true), so expect a little deluge of wit/wisdom over the next week (don’t, actually).

for  example: i have this bad habit. actually, not so much a habit as a historical trend that i have seen manifesting over and over in my life, whereby something that starts as a joke gradually works its way into the warp and weft of my life such that one day i wake up and am like “oh, i actually -am- in a straightedge gang now,” or “oh, i actually -do- drink Bud Lite Lime” or something similarly embarrassing. the most recent example of this is Vitamin Water, and how I Drink It.


well, it used to be because i thought it was funny. and it basically tastes like Crystal Light. anybody remember Crystal Light? it wasn’t very good. it’s like when you’d have grape koolaid at some kid’s house but it’d be like, wayyyyyyy watered down because the family was perhaps super poor and thus rationing their koolaid. because that shit was PENNIES A GLASS. YOU THINK PENNIES GROW ON TREES? hell no.

so i think the first time i had one was in the NYC bus station and i was like “hey, i hear kelly clarkson drinks this shit, perhaps i will do so as well, in order to amuse myself,” and then i was like “whoa, this one is designed exclusively for 50 Cent, engineered to provide the energy and support and you know, vitamins presumably (50 of them?) necessary to hold strong over those long hours in the studio and like, getting shot and keeping one’s rap empire on lock? all things for which analogies in my own fast-paced life may be found? that is the drink for me!” and so i’d be walking down the street, drinking my 50 Grape (N.B.: 50 Grape has been renamed, to my considerable disappointment, Formula 50, so watch out.), and thinking to myself “man, i am such an asshole. like, who the fuck drinks vitamin water? i hate me. this is great.”

so it was all very ironic and gratifying and i was safe, you know?

but NOW, NOW IT HAS ALL COME APART, because i just straight up drink that shit, and THE LOATHING IS REAL. i might even believe that it’s good for me! i mean, not really, but almost – i’m like, Water and Sugar, those are probably vitamins, i need those things..

and then this, which is awesome. talking about the lawsuit against Coca Cola for Vitamin Water’s ‘unwarranted health claims’, to which Coca Cola responds:

“Well, in our defence, what are you, stupid?” (not a direct quote, btw. but basically the gist.)

good on you, Coke. that is some audacious shit.


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